Remember that time I said I would be writing a lot more? Adding more posts? Being more diligent? I think we all learned a valuable lesson and it is this...I can be, at certain times, very lame.
So, here we are in May and I'm very pleased to be back with you. And now I'd like to share a quick anecdote about wedding dresses. More than an anecdote, this is a hard lesson with some ugly facts. Buckle up.
I, unlike many brides, didn't have big fancy dreams. I just wanted to get married to my dude and have some margaritas about it. I like parties more than weddings and that was the vibe we were going for. But the trick is, I wanted to wear a pretty dress. Maybe even white. So I hired a dressmaker to do just that. She was going to make me a 50's style, tea length dress. Simple, classic, affordable. Our first contact was by phone and frankly that should have served as warning enough. Her voice sounded like she was talking to me at the end of a long hallway with her phone at the opposite end. I don't think I've ever had to come up with so many different ways to say, "What?!"
So we scheduled an appointment for her to swing on by. She showed up on my porch all willowy and soft talking with a lot of pins and tape measures. I ushered her in and right away it was clear she didn't like me all that much. And that's weird. When right away someone doesn't like you but they're in your house and you kind of need them to stay there but you really would love it if they left. Just a weirdo situation.
She also had the voice of a child. A soft speaking child. I'm not a fan of women who speak like children. I want to punch them in the throat. So as she measured and baby talked and disliked me, I took it upon myself to try and turn this frown of a situation upside down. I would make her love me. Not just like me, but love me. I joked and joshed and asked her questions. I complimented her willow-iness and talent for measuring. Nothing. Just nothing at all. I was like a friendly hummingbird zipping around her gloomy ass. Not a thing changed.
After about 45 minutes, I more or less gave up. I was exhausted. But, I was very much looking forward to my dress. She said she'd call in a couple of days and give me an update.
Two weeks later, I still hadn't heard from her. Not that I hadn't tried. I called and called, but apparently her shop was closed for biz. And I had already paid her. But truthfully, I couldn't really believe, no matter how distasteful she found me, that she would cash my check and skip town. First off she couldn't get far, even by bus, I mean the dress was only about 700 bucks, so I put the whole thing on the back burner of my worry stove.
However, 2 days before the wedding (I repeat, 2 days!) I still had no dress and no word from the willowy child talker. I may be an easy going bride, but I do need a dress, America! I called her for what I thought would be the final time and she picked up the phone. Success! She was still long hallway talker and things had not moved much in her opinion of me, but she going to bring by the finished dress that very day. Sweet mercy!
And the moment she arrived I could tell the dress would suck. She was holding a see through garment bag and inside the was what appeared to be an ice dancing dress. Whiter than white, shiny cheap fabric, and a weird band of robins egg blue around the middle. And it looked to be about 5 sizes too big. Fantastic.
To her credit, she was embarrassed. She unzipped the bag and I could tell it was much worse than I thought. She asked if I wanted to try it on. I said no. We both knew this was more a Halloween costume than a wedding dress and there was nothing to do. And the thing that happens to me in these kinds of situations is that I begin to think everything is going to work out just fine. That somehow the dress will look beautiful. That maybe I'm wrong. It's like I can't face facts so I tie them up with a bow to make them look pretty. Even that god awful dress was somehow prettier. So, the seamstress awkwardly left my house with her head down and a baby talked, "congrats."
I then went into my bedroom and tried on the dress. I stood in front of a full length mirror and was left with no choice except to laugh. The dress matched her voice. It was a wedding dress made for a child. An Alice in Wonderland wedding dress. It was creepy and ugly and still had pins in it. Boo.
So what's the first move you make after this kind of an emergency? You call your best friend. I grabbed the ugliest dress on earth and raced over to my best friend's house and tried it on. She agreed. This was the ugliest dress on earth. And what's your first move when you're getting married in less than 48 hours and you don't have a wedding dress? You and your best friend go to Loehmann's where you buy 2 dresses for under 200 bucks and call it a day.
So this is how I see it - don't trust baby talkers and Loehmann's rules!
Talk to you all very soon. I promise.
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