Finer Than Frog Hair

For many Yuletide seasons now, my family and I greedily await a Christmas letter from an unnamed (Aunt Shirley) family member.  This letter is something of a goldmine, talked about for days and marveled about the rest of the year. Curiously, Shirley mails it out in early October, so we're already buckled up for this year's gem.

The contents of Shirley's letter swings the pendulum from snooze-fest to shock-a-roonie although Shirley is in no way dynamic in real life. Squat in both body and mind, her letters belie her demeanor. But as the saying goes, "Holy shit, she belongs behind bars."

Last year's Christmas letter told of her struggle to get rid of rust stains and that she was an escort for a short while in the 60's. She shared her recipe for plum pudding and for what appears to be a roofie-laced cocktail. We heard about her check kiting and month long stay in a little known Alaskan penal colony, as well as handy tips on scuff mark removal and easy ways to hide a corpse.

So she'll swing by for a bit on Christmas day, sit in her favorite recliner, not saying much. But we all know what lies beneath that cat fur covered cardigan - a criminal mind finer than frog hair.